The food conspiracy

why i binge eat and what im learning to do

I just ate a bowl of fried rice of which I cooked myself. Fried onions, garlic, paprika seasoning, red pepper, squash, lentils, and rice, all cooked in one pot. One may consider it a relatively healthy bowl with mineral, antioxidant, from vitamin rich onions to squash. But why would I still feel hesitant to eat my bowl of rice without feeling the paranoia of weight gain and stomach upset?

want the simple answer? society, beauty expectations, and mentality. but really from my experience with binge eating it has managed to make even the most palatable and healthy of meals seem grotesque or to be avoided out of fear of the latter two mentioned reasons. this topic has been in my drafts for a long time because i felt too ashamed and embarrassed to even write about it— if not for anyone, for myself. the reason of which i decided i’ll write about it; i’ll share my experience not because i’m a ‘victim’ of bad eating habits or food but to realise that there is this interplay between binge eating, emotions, and traumatic experiences.

what is binge eating?

Well the term itself is not indecipherable. yet there are countless studies, journals, essays, videos, blogs, written about it. binge eating disorder is eating large quantities of food in a relatively small time to a point of uncomfortable fullness. It is, as i have come to learn, a mental health condition characterised by feeling out of control of the activity and the trigger which is often time’s emotional. it is a coping mechanism that we tend to adapt during difficult or stressful situations.

personal experience

From my experience, i’ve noticed myself overeat whenever i’m anxious about something. although the root cause(s) i’d say or what really began it was totally external. whether that was me learning to cope with bad childhood memories/ experiences, avoiding certain thoughts or feelings and to self-sooth. as the youngest kid in my family, i was often (contrary to the spoiled third kid theory) belittled by adults which led to this huge sense of inadequacy and low self-esteem which i still carry around with me like a sleeveless sweater.

To add, bad or unhealthy eating habits run way back in my family. As a kid i was often forced to palate large bowls of food even if i was already full to the brim! it felt uncomfortable but i viewed meal times as a chore i had to do in order to carry whatever else i was doing. fast forward now i completely struggle with portion control— a concept i learnt recently. Although i consciously began ‘binge eating’ to cope about 2 years ago when i had to be displaced from my home country—that a traumatic experience in it’s own respect.

The symptoms i’d experienced are both physical (after eating) and mental (both before and after). Mentally, after overeating i feel guilty and shameful. i try to reverse it by unironically, eating some more! i tried to purge once or twice but didn’t like the acidic aftertaste and never tried it again (do not recommend). overtime purging (via voluntarily vomiting out your food) can lead to so much complications such as weakened gut lining which can cause stomach acid to damage other nearby organs such as the pancreas or small intestine, abnormal heart rhythm (arrhythmia), tooth erosion/ decay, and esophagus inflammation. to name a few.

In teenhood i struggled with body image (unsurprisingly) for the longest time mostly due to the obnoxious beauty standards of which i so fervently tried to measure up to even if that meant skipping meals for days on end and only drinking energy drinks. i still so immensely do, i find myself wrapping my hand around my waist and feeling disgusted of how much weight i’ve put on (or how much i think i put on) or how i don’t look ‘hour-glass’ or ‘slim-thick’. binge eating disorder or eating disorders in general have become quite common if not popular. we’re just learning to cope in a society that values appearances and cosmetics over mental health and physical well-being.

we can end this

i think the moment i realised that i had an eating disorder was when i noticed how i felt when i was overeating as opposed to when i was hungry or just enjoying a good meal. when i overeat, it’s way faster, uncontrolled, and numbing of my other senses. my body was left feeling betrayed and lethargic. whereas, eating to sustain, is slower, more intentional, and does not numb my other senses. also observing the state i usually was in before engaging in it (either stressed, anxious, guilty, embarrassed, shameful).

i never sought therapy (as it simply is not an affordable option) or spoke openly about it to a close friend or family member (as there are non i feel comfortable confessing to). i even lived in a state of avoiding the consequences or realisation of this habit until— well it kind of controlled me.

yet..it seems i’m missing the point. binge eating was never a curse or a decreed punishment that i had to stomach. it was a choice, just like any other, eating at times of hunger is a neccesity. but eating at times of satiety is a urge and desire.

like all desires, this one is within mine (and your) control. you just need to ‘tune in’, listen to your body and reason with yourself whether that popsicle or jar of peanut butter is really what you need both emotionally, physically, and at times spiritually because as Leo Skepi puts it, your smarter than you think. your ability to manipulate yourself into just one more ice-cream or soda can be re-directed to manipulate yourself to see your current life stressor or trigger from a less daunting perspective. as the aphorism goes, delulu is the solulu.

that’s kind of how i’m looking at it. by reframing the narrative in that very moment, you choose not to engage in binge eating. you tell yourself that you can survive without it, that you can sit through the difficult emotion/ thought and emerge alive! maybe even with more clarity.

as of now i haven’t overeaten in a few days yet my stomach is constantly bloated or in pain from the irregular and mid and evening overloaded meals/ snacks.

solution

to curb the urge i decided to be more attentive to my emotional ques. Question whether the grumble in my stomach is a hunger signal or anxiety creeping in; nesting itself in my gut. which many times is the latter. in that case i self-sooth by meditating, napping (if in the place and time—like at home) or i simply drink herbal tea and massage my lower abdomen in these slow, circular motions. to deal with my body weight obsessiveness i occasionally work out and go on walks to feel momentarily better about myself before the viscous cycle resumes.

but all these solutions offer pacification to the inner child that feels wronged, mistreated, and unsafe. they’re new coping mechanisms for an old one. and if not moderated can expand into it’s own viscous cycle. learning to care for my emotional needs and internal body signals and encouraging positive self-talk/ constructive reproach may be what i need to overcome it. a kind voice that reminds me that failure isn’t a vindication of who i am but a process to learn from.

spirituality helps as well, by listening to the Quran, reflecting on prophetic stories of temptation and mediating depression. Also watching Youtuber’s (i’ll link em below) talk about their eating disorders and how they dealt/ overcame them in a healthy way has tremendously shifted my whole perspective around the issue—as it no longer seems so shameful to talk of or entertain a conversation involving food. i no longer force myself to finish or eat a plate of food i don’t like to begin with and similarly, i don’t beat myself up if i binge ate out of an emotional mishap. and while certain environmental factors still lead to this inclination i try to curb it with other activities like reading or writing about it.

Edit:

another point i forgot to mention is the Scarcity Mindset: its this way of thinking or mentality that things are always exhausted and in short measures. whether that is food, money, friends, emotions etc. its this belief that resources are limited and therefore, need to be preserved or used up before they disappear. or atleast from my vantage point with binge eating. and as i mentioned earlier, from my experiences going through war, poverty, displacement—these experiences reinforced my scarcity mindset and especially around food. so it follows from here, the solution is in its root cause; eliminate the mindset and you eliminate (or atleast gain major hight in curbing instincts to binge eat ) in the problem! if it worked for me as a professional binger, i don’t see why it wont for you.

one method that worked for me is reminding myself everytime i get the urge to binge eat or overeat after already eating a full meal is that the food is there, its not going anywhere. if i get hungry, i can go back and eat it. just reassuring your mind that you don’t have to overdo it.

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